Wise Bachelor

Q. Dear WB, lizards scare me like anything. I am so very scared that at times I get a feeling that maybe they are attracted towards me and what not. They stare me right in the eye. I am a lover of nature otherwise and share a good chemistry with the cats and dogs of my area as well as the mice in my house. I have had encounters with snakes twice, and I’m also not afraid of tigers. The other day, I saved an injured crow from hounding stray dogs and provided him a makeshift accommodation at my place. I sincerely wish I could love the lizards too. I have been trying to accomplish the same for the past two years. I can write a whole book to vent out the frustration. What to do? Slithering Seer, New Delhi

Ans: (Chip) kaliyon ka chaman jab banta hai, koi sexy lagta hai, koi raunchy lagta hai, koi hero lagta hai, par har koi scary lagta hai – my dear, I can perfectly understand your problem. I knew one chipkali (lizard) who had made her famous appearance in a hot music video, and later did a few C-grade movies before hiding in some unknown world not known to tinsel town. She was Meghna Naidu, who showed some promise that she could dominate the underbelly of the Indian male psyche (that is ever influenced by the idea of voluptuous women), but her ever increasing waistline ensured that she crashed down on her belly. Phir woh kahin chip gayi.

Now, coming to your problem, I see a chipa huwa Brady Barr in you. The fact that they are legends in their field of work is not just because they love creatures but also because they have immense respect for the animals they play with. As for snakes, the ease with which Indian adventurer Gerry Martin wrangles them is truly mind-blowing. But he has often talked about his fear for the reptiles, too.

Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru, while serving his prison sentence during the National Movement, was in a cell that was infested by insects of all kinds. There was an ominous looking black scorpion, which Panditjee had captured. He would feed it flies and treat like a pet. He had also befriended a dog, which shared Panditjee’s room. But the dog was once down with distemper and Panditjee took great care of the hapless animal as if it were his own child. So, I see that trait in you too, for you saved both the life and izzat of an abala kawwa from some shikari kutte. God bless you!

So, my dear, I don’t see any reason why you should be so frustrated. After all, the lizard, they say, is a descendant of the dinosaur or “terrible lizard”. A lot of people would swear by Spielberg’s name to tell you how scary those dinos were. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
However, when I say this, I also see a need for a new lizard superhero on the lines of Spiderman. Toons really help, you see. I had developed an immense liking for crabs after seeing theKekdaman character in Shaktimaan. Let’s wait for tinsel town to do something with lizards. I’m sure your love for them would be more spontaneous then.

Q. WB, I haven’t been able to return a loan I had taken from a bank. Now the bank has sent goons after me. What should I do? Maara sona, mare heere, maari izzat, Jaipur

Ans: Blessed be souls like Kharak Singh (Om Puri) of Hera Pherifame, who threatens self-immolation if his friend Ghanshyam (Suniel Shetty) doesn’t return his money on time. God has stopped making such noble souls it seems. On any day, I would prefer being emotionally blackmailed into paying a debt, than being chased by goondas, followed by my mother mouthing “mere bête ko chod do”.
It is always good to return loans in time, as that saves both your dignity and money. However, if your bank is harassing you in such an uncivil manner, you better lodge a written complaint with the nearest police station. Or you can contact me personally and I will give you the number of a goony purush who will give you tips to scare the Bank Manager, who seems to be a wannabe Bhaihimself. Maybe it is time for some aapsi bhaichara.

Q. Dear WB, I’m 25-years-old, and most of my friends say that I’m as good looking as Kamdev, the Hindu God of love. I feel a little weird, for no man has ever seen a God. Who do you think would resemble the God of love the closest? Tan bhi sundar, man bhi sundar, Mumbai

Ans: Obviously your friends don’t know the truth. If Kamdev would descend from the heaven on this planet as an avatar, he would be none other than Narayan Dutt Tiwari. Tell those sycophants whom you call ‘friends’ to read the (s)exploits of Tiwari ji before calling you Kamdev. Even at this advanced age of 87 years, he can handle four women at a time. None but a God can perform such a feat. And what are you saying about good looks? Did you not see how he had said ‘main bahut sexy hoon’ (I’m very sexy) to the TV journalist, who had interviewed him a day after he had resigned as Andhra Governor? Please tell your friends that its blasphemy on their part to equate you with the God when you know Tiwari ji is the true sensuality incarnate.

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