Wise Bachelor

Q. Meri girlfriend mujhe maarti hai. I love her, but when she hits, she hits really hard. I don’t retaliate because I don’t hit women. Please help me tell her not to test my endurance power. Pitahuwa Premi, Shillong.

Ans: Dear Lord! Who is this woman? I have a friend who is in a relationship with an amorous woman. When they make love, she bites and scratches him like a wild cat. The next morning, my friend has to face a lot of embarrassment in office with all those visible red marks. But your condition is worse than his, for should you walk into your office with a swollen nose or a black eye, you would be a disgrace to ‘man’kind!

Come one, this is woman’s emancipation at its height! Pal, you need to realise that you are with an exceptionally talented woman. Who knows, she might be the next best thing Northeast has produced after boxer Mary Kom. But you need to help her channelise her energy; there’s no point being her punching bag. Buy her a pair of boxing gloves on her next birthday and someday you might feel proud to be the significant other of a champion pugilist.

And don’t even think about playing the role of Evander Hollyfield against this Mike Tyson of a woman, for Tyson had bitten off Hollyfield’s ear in a bout that went awry.

As for helping you, let me first figure out what makes her so aggressive. I think she is the lost Catwoman from Batman movies, who had disappeared, never to be seen again. And guess what? Even Michael Keaton’s career had a downswing after that and he vanished from the silver screen: a fact that made all of us bear with disappointing Batmen like Val Kilmer, George Clooney and Christian Bale. If you tell him that you have found Catwoman, maybe he will once again find his lost film career.

Or maybe she is the feminine alter ego of Jimmy Porter from Look Back in Anger. In that case, you have no other way but to play the passive Alison. But you could try playing the ‘bear and squirrel’ game to smoothen the relationship.

If nothing works, try what Amba had done in the Mahabharata, and maybe you will be born as Shikhandi in your next life. Then every time your girl would try to hit her husband, you could come in the way and frustrate her. Kyunki ek aurat doosre aurat ka hi dard samajh sakti hai, mardon ka nahin. Think about it and good luck!

Q. My friend has a weird problem. He likes a girl whom he met in my wedding. They look good together, seriously, but my friend is not sure if he wants to marry her. He is also an ‘eligible bachelor’ who is being pursued by an army of potential fathers/mothers-in-law. But he is not accepting any of the proposals and is instead running after impossible things. Till now, he has fallen for someone much older to him; another, a married lady with a child; and a confused teacher already in a relationship with someone else. They all seem to like him and he likes all of them, but seeing him living his life this way, I’m losing my patience. I think I don’t understand him anymore. Please help, WB. Nayi dulhan, pareshan saheli, dost mera ek paheli, New Delhi.

Ans: Bheegi hui cigarette kabhi jalegi nahin, aur yeh tay hai ki tere dost ki kismet kabhi sudhregi nahin. I think your friend is suffering from ‘mere andar Kanhaiyya’ syndrome. It is not exactly a disease but a state of mind that makes a man feel as if he is the Kalyug avatar of Lord Krishna and that he can attract an army of women, each better than the other. Men with this ‘problem’ find it difficult to commit in relationships; and those who are arranged-marriage material, they find it harder to focus on a single person, for there is this undying hope that a better woman would soon come by.
If you look at the life of Lord Krishna, you would find that his love affair with Radha, who was a married lady, is considered to be one of the purest forms of love. Rukmini, on the other hand, was betrothed to another man.

I would, therefore, say that there are no solutions as such to your friend’s ‘problems’. These are not problems at all; it’s just that in today’s complicated world, we have lost our sensitivity and cannot imagine love outside its clichéd definitions and boundaries. Your friend, I think, is a very sensitive man. Try to understand this rasiya and stop being a Yashoda maiyya to your buddy.

Q. WB, I have been trying to transfer my telephone connection from Jorhat to Guwahati, but the authorities are taking a long time to get it done. Every time I go to the telecom office, the clerk tells me that he is very busy and that my application is “in process”. What should I do now? Sarkari naukar se dukhi aam aadmi, Guwahati

Ans: Before getting a telephone connection, you should try to get connected with the realities of life. Getting a telephone connection is not as easy as singing telephone dhun mein hasne waali to your girlfriend. If you want your telephone to be transferred, you should also be willing to transfer some of your hard earned money to the clerk. I have met many people like you who want to get their work done fast, but are not willing to invest. It gets very frustrating for government servants at times. When will you people start thinking about them? They, sarkari naukars, are a generation of under-paid people, who also have over-expecting families to tend to. India is a welfare state, and we all should think about the welfare of one another. If you help them, they will help you. So, the next time you go to the telephone office, give the clerk a hundred-rupee note along with your artificial smile and your work will be done in minutes.

Ask you questions to Wise Bachelor: wise.bachelor@friedeye.com

We welcome your comments at letters@friedeye.com