Indian match making process
January 1, 2013
Wedding is a match made in heaven. Maybe. But before we discover this so-called chosen guy for us , why do we have to go through the torture of rejection , judgments , explanations , promotions and what all. At times , I am forced to think that I can fight and excel at work but not enough for the prospective grooms.
And that’s a story I so frequently get to hear around me. The girls want a higher salary , good looks and the chances to travel different places from the guy. The guy wants a smart and intelligent bride who can drop all her plans and job to be with him wherever he wants.
And the story doesn’t end here unfortunately There is guy’s mother who wants the girl to be from same caste , to be beautiful , know household work well, and the wedding should be so grand to make all her relatives talk about it for years. The girl’s mother wants the guy to have some social standing and paycheck heavier than most in the family, the guy should have a house and car of his own and if he lives alone in some city away from his parents and relatives , he is indeed a good catch.
Why do wrong kind of people have to meet , pretend to talk , try to know each other , judge each other and bear the other side’s comments before settling down with the one, who is destined to be.Maybe he or she is not the best choice, maybe the couple spends the whole life together pretending to love and care for each other. Whatever be the outcome, I DO NOT understand the purpose of this Indian drama of match making by parents and relatives.
The girl earns more than the guy : Outrage
The girl is not beautiful : Assume that she has to adjust with looks and money of the guy when time comes
The guy earns less : Assume he should be happy with just any girl who agrees to marry him
The guy doesnt look good : He should earn handsomely to compensate.
Why these notions ?
I am not saying that miracles do not happen .
I have seen most unexpected ( and that proves I am judgemental too to some extent ) couples get married.
I have seen parents agree without hesitation about the guy / girl they would be making a part of family.
I have seen parents refuse an alliance for reasons I can not tire writing about.
Why can we not let two mature people decide about their own life and bear the consequences ?
Why do the parents have to threaten the kids with either not talking or daily listing all the ways a wedding could go wrong ?
Why are we so concerned with what the society would say about the match ?
Why can’t Indian parents just make sure to support their kid in good and bad times alike and talk to him/her as a caring friend but not the caring king who knows only to pass rules and make everyone follow it to ensure peace and order ?
Why not ask the people if they are or would be happy together rather than measure them on all other scales except mutual compatibility ?
There are many such questions that have no answer. And these can cause much trauma to anyone.
My only hope and wish is that parents stop subjecting the guys and girls to this hypocritical system of evaluation.
Life has enough ways to test a person’s integrity and talent. We do not want another one which is based on beauty and money.
Let the guy and girl meet each other with a free heart and mind.
Let them make friends , fall in love and then spend a life time together.
We welcome your comments at letters@friedeye.com
the selection or use of derogatory word could have been avoided.
it might be possible that you lost your hope from the parenthood and do not see any bright side of Indian Culture but I still hold my faith in it and as a reader I made my comment on your post which I found quite offending to complete Indian Marriage system and to the Indian Parenthood in particular. One can’t be rational while making statements and verdicts.
Hello Amit,
I do not want to justify each line I wrote or refuse what you wrote. But if you believe I have anything against parents , Please read below :
I have seen parents agree without hesitation about the guy / girl they would be making a part of family.
I have seen parents refuse an alliance for reasons I can not tire writing about.
I rest my case.
thank you for reading and expressing your views.
Allow me to help you in finding out those unanswered WHYs of yours.
Yes your all ” WHYs” have one and only answer and that is –
“different mind different thoughts.”
So beautifully you took all Indians and weighed them across in a one scale and passed a verdict – and gave a derogatory term “Indian Drama of match making” by parents and relatives.
Well Dear Writer, first of all few facts as preamble to my comment about India and Indians on this post of yours : India is a diversified country. It is a union of 28 states and 7 union territories, 22 official languages, and 2000 dialects with 1.2 plus billion population which makes 17.5 percent of the world population out of which 42 Percent of the world’s poor live in INDIA. We contribute only 3 percent to the world’s GDP which was earlier 22 percent. We were ruled by barbarians Moguls for 300 long years and then by Britishers for 200 years back to back.
These aforementioned facts were necessary to mention however I know that you would have read all of them but I do not know while discussing our nation and culture and rituals few of my young friends forget these facts. After such a long period of amalgamation of different culture we are still able to have the crown of Heritage India, so what is wrong in this?
Why to blame whole Indian Marriage System and calling it a drama ? I am sure you or your predecessors would have been the product of this so called drama only, are you unhappy about it? Yes I do agree every culture has some drawback and some rudiments which with due course of time should be abolished like Dasi System , Parda System or Sati System in ancient India.
But for all this we require education. Literacy rate in India is still dangling about 74 percent while other countries like china and all have got more than 90 and mind you this is only literacy rate not educated statistics. 96% of India’s children enroll in primary school, by the age of 10 about 40% have dropped out.
yes no doubt we have 1 million millionaires.
India Has 150 Million Internet Users, 39 Million 3G Subscribers.
We have scaled Moon and looking for Mars.
We talking of Walmarts and all but there are still 70 percent of the populace is living in villages and urban areas which even do not earn 2 dollar a day.
Out of all these socio – economic data one must be very careful while making statements which you made above.
You represent an educated class and I am sure you must be an avid reader so projecting our own culture and system in such a way is not a very good idea.
Lets take your statements one by one ..
We in the family discuss on the color of wall paints, size of paintings , texture of curtains , don’t we ? what for all this ? To transform a house into a home, isn’t it? So what is wrong if we discuss if new member is coming in the family? What is big fuss in it ? Ofcourse we are living in a society and a family system where each one is accountable for others. So if a girl/boy is being chosen and discussed in the family matters so where do you find fault in this ?
Look I am not discussing here which is better love or arrange but the way you projected this picture was quite rude ( especially being one amongst the Indian ) , I am just trying to throw some light on it so that you see some +vity too out of it.
What is wrong in finding a guy who earns a handsome salary – afterall every father of a daughter thinks that his daughter should live a luxurious life. yeah one can debate on this that whether they would live happily after marriage or not so it is as dicey as in the case of SO CALLED Marriage proposed by you too. You never know of the future and if you talk about the facts then I am sure you would be knowing the percentage of divorce/separation is higher in cases of love marriages in India. Isn’t it ?
Love can be developed even after the marriage too. It is not weird at all to marry someone who was stranger to you few months prior. how did you chose your first school friend in this world ? were you knowing him/her prior your birth ? you made those relations after coming to this planet only. you started spending time together and you became frnz. so why it can’t be in the case of marriage. Two mature people who tie the nuptial knot and then fall in love with each other.
I am not at all against of any system of marriage be it arrange or love but there should be some sanctity to be maintained. but Marriage is not just the union on THE BEST GUY meets THE BEST GIRL rather it is the amalgamation of two cultures and two families. Lot of other family members are going to be affected by this decision of yours so there is no point saying it is all FUTILE and calling it drama.
Each culture has its own culture and some taboos which go slowly and every culture accepts new changes but it all takes time.
How many Indian parents you know who do not support their kid ?
Pl go and see new KG admissions have started and parents in this biting cold are standing in a long queue since early morning for their wards to get enrolled in the best possible schools as per their capacity.
This is the same India Where if a son named Sravan Kumar lifted his parents on his shoulders and took them around just to fulfill the desires of his blind parents, a father carries his new born daughter Damini in a cloth sling around his neck after his wife dies just to give his daughter the best education and a better life. So please do not say that Indian Parents do not support their kids in their bad or good times. They do and do their best.
yes it might happen that the definition of best as per you and them may differ.
Dear writer, what is good or right according to you may not be the right as per others.
there is a saying goes – ” someone’s food is someone’s poison ”
Well let me take you to the aisle of past when girls were given so much of freedom that they could choose their better-halves themselves and as per their choices, they used to call it “SWAYAMVAR” – yeah the same which some Mahajan guy started on a silver screen followed by our dearest Rakhi Sawant for cheap popularity.
hmmm .. so let me get you back to the present scenario –
you talking about the Generation X ..
so let me tell you that people are being open minded. They are opening themselves to the new technologies which are coming up their way. Now parents do not have time ( I am talking about now Internet User parents ) to go personally for the best possible match .. so matrimonial sites are good options and in most of the cases the girl is being asked her decision and same for the guy.
Yes I am aware of the facts that in some cases where even parents get hellbent for few of the things like Caste /Creed / horoscope match .. so again it all can be solved by maturity. one should as an educated kids understand that a parent has got some dreams since his or her birth now it really pains when some1 tries to rupture those dreams and it is dealt very beautifully and softly. Fight and disputes are not the solutions of it.
For getting love of your partner how can you trample your parents’ love.
for establishing one new relation I do not see any intelligence in sacrificing your 25 year old love/relationship.
so any marriage which happens after everyone’s consensus in family goes well and lasts long ( comparatively )
A culture is never bad it is just few people in the society try to twist some parts of it according to their interest and which sometimes spoils the originality and piousness of the culture.
and please eradicate this thought from your mind that Indian parents do not support their kids and Indian system of match making is DRAMA.
I tried my best to clarify all ur WHYs but still if you have some unanswered Ys of urs, feel free to write me. I would try to quench your thirst concerning Indian culture and its Marriage system.
wish u a very happy new year 🙂