Horrorscope

You know what is so sweet about personality analysis through sun signs? They always tell you about your plus points and the negative traits are presented in such a sugar coated way that even the negativity seems desirable. Or maybe it is written as a fine print so that it hardly gets noticed. But how about me stating some brutal facts about your sign? Can you face it? Oh no, I wont be judgmental. Nor will I go all preachy preachy. You can say its just a FYI thing- janhit ke liye jaari aap ke sewa mein. Come on, won’t it be fun to confirm the bad side of your spouse/ best friend/enemy ? Yes that’s a better way to perceive things I guess. So what are we waiting for?

Aries– Dominating and pompous. In fact so dominating that most of the Astro-columnists start their predictions from an Aries. They have this mania about winning and being on top and it takes a hard fall from top to get them back to reality. They think they symbolise power while I think they are poor copies of Hitler.

Taurus- Oh dear, the laziest sign of the zodiac and also the most bull headed . They stubbornly insist on inactivity and it takes a lot of will power on your part, not theirs, to put them into action. So persistently lazy they are that they redefine the word rooted to the spot. They think inactivity is the best way to prevent doing anything bad while i think.. what does it matter what I think. Will I be able to convince a Taurian ever what I think of them?

Gemini– They think confusion is cute. They are so confused most of the times that they start creating confusions just to amuse themselves when they run out of things to be confused about as because they constantly need something confusing to amuse them. They may call it superior intelligence, while I call it unnecessary confusion.

Cancer–  They are moody. God knows how they got this stupid idea but they think that moody , broody and snooty is the hippest thing in the world. A scowl comes easier to them than a smile. They think it is enigma, while I think of them as potential customers of anti wrinkle cream.

Leo– They are so full of themselves, its just “Me! Me! Me!” screaming all the way . They don’t say I love you when they propose. They say- “You love me. Do I love you?” They love to be good, they love to be wild, They love to be generous to the point of bankruptcy as long its , well right – Me. And oh God! the drama that goes with the Me. Oh dear dear. They call them selves full of mega size life. I call them megalomaniacs.

Virgo– The plainest sign in whole of the Zodiac. No drama, no passion, no extremes, cool composed, at peace and artificial to the point of becoming boring. I wonder why they don’t let themselves go; what keeps them holding back ? Is it the tag of virgin as in Virgo? They think of themselves as controlled, while I call them frigid.

Libra– Ah the balanced ones. Their whole lives hang on the dilemma- to be or not to be. Every thing has to be weighed, Every damn move calculated a thousand times; each pro and con taken into account. Every need and deed measured. I wonder if they get the time to take a deep breath and live for a moment. They think they are balanced and I agree. They are actually a balance-pair of scales in human form and nothing else.

Scorpio– My my! The most dangerous of the signs. The most revengeful and the deadliest, as the part of their brain which results in good feelings, love, kindness and forgiving has been replaced with venom. Don’t believe me? Well okay, once there was this person who once forgot to cap his pen which he again forgot to put it in his pocket. the pen remain uncapped in the desk. Coincidentally his friend who was a Scorpio who worked in another office visited him at his office and again coincidentally went up to his work desk where  the pen poked his palm. Till date the Scorpio friend hasn’t forgiven him. They think it is survival , I think it is mindless destruction.

Sagittarius–  Oh dear one of the self righteous signs, it becomes irritating after a point of time to listen to their virtuous self righteous sermons. They are full of advice- how to run one’s life to how not to, how to kill a man to how to have sex-they just have a mantra for everything. I am sure if they ever came across God, they will have a couple of advice for him too on how to run the universe. They call it the power of knowledge, I call it the power of talking gibberish convincingly.

Capricorn–  So very sure of themselves. Unlike the Sagittarians, thankfully they don’t preach; they only practise, which is worse in a way. They don’t ask for your opinion. They don’t need an approval. They just do what they think they should do irrespective of whether it is right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable. In other words this sign is the amalgamation of all the negative traits of other signs in subtler variations. If there is a devil then I am sure he was born a Capricorn. Oh by the way that reminds me, Voldermort was a Capricorni. They think they are The Devil and I don’t argue with devils.

Aquarius– The most cunningly clever sign of the zodiac. They are the diplomats. Always politically correct, never offensive, sweet enough to leave a bitter after taste and very much shifty- or in proper words everything about them varies according to the moment. In other word they are Big Pseudos. They think they are smart, I think they are over smart to the point of being repulsive.

Pisces– Pisceans ! Dreamers! As long as they are in their dream world away from our harsh reality they are perfect, but once in the real world, they are the most air headed of human species. It looks like all logic, common sense that they were bestowed upon by the maker gets lost somewhere in their dream world and what we get here on earth is a mix of illogical and irrational thinking and at sometimes no thinking at all- It’s all empty between the ears. They think the world is perfect, they are perfect, I wonder how to explain the meaning of perfect to them first.

Well that was the horrible part of being horrid in Horrorscope but what to do? Duty calls and I had to be what I was supposed to be.  Don’t take the above seriously. I thought taking it with a pinch of salt would be a welcome change from the sugar coated analysis that you all are subjected constantly. but in case you have a complaint or a query, you can mail me at bhootnath@friedeye.com

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